Written by Alycia Dort
Some of the most effective recovery and healing work I've done throughout my 'Road to Recovery' has been finding, and learning to love, my inner child. The truth of the matter is, we all have one, and our inner child is almost like the very core of who we are in our later lives: who we are today.
For those of you who have not done any therapy work surrounding your inner child, here is my experience and how it has helped me substantially in learning to love myself.
In many cases of Major Depression as well as other mental illnesses, our thoughts surrounding ourselves and our worth are generally quite negative: You feel as though you are alone, hopeless, a failure, a burden, and that there is no future in which you are of any importance. There is no doubt that it is much easier to tackle the fight against Depression when you have a strong support system, but what happens when you don't have one? When all you have to rely on for support is yourself?
Finding your inner child is like finding the root of all the pain and struggle you feel during a dark time. When I was able to show love and support to my inner child, I found a sense of nurture and strength I did not know existed within me.
Of course mental illnesses can impact each individual very differently, however it has always been much easier for me to show love and support to others during a relapse, than it was to do the same for myself. Caring for someone or something else gave me a sense of purpose- of duty- when I was unable to care for me:
It was at the age of 18 that I found my inner child without even realizing it, and it was a very powerful experience for me. It was approximately four months following my first hospitalization, when I began to feel something other than the bleak 'nothingness' that comes along with a severe relapse. And when I started feeling something, I started feeling frustrated. I was frustrated because of the hands I was dealt, frustrated that I had been abandoned by so many people in my life, frustrated that I was shown so much judgement and made to feel as though I was not important. I allowed myself to think of the little girl I used to be; bubbly, without a care in the world, but how she grew to know so much pain, trauma and felt she had nowhere and no one to turn to. I thought of all the times she laid in bed crying, all of the hurt she felt... I thought of her as though she were some other little girl that I was watching from afar- As though she was not me, and it broke my heart. I felt so much compassion for this young girl who did not feel she was loved, and I was compelled to reach out to her. I wanted nothing more in that moment but to hold her tight, show her I loved her, and to protect her. And so that is what I did, in a sense.
It is difficult to show ourselves this sense of love and compassion when we are stuck in the darkness, convinced that who we are now is who we have always been, and all we will ever be.
I challenge you, however, to step back for a moment and think about the young girl or boy that was you so long ago. Look at what they'd gone through, and how they felt, and reflect on this as though he or she were some other child that you were seeing experience this. How do you feel when you experience this from afar? What do you want to say to this child? How do you want to comfort them?
We all have an inner child still alive within us, and they need to be nurtured and loved and supported. I knew I could not be yet another person to let mine down; to turn my back on her. So, I gave her love, and in turn I learned to love myself.
When your inner child feels the love and support and nurture that you have, you will begin to heal in a way that is so profound and so much deeper than today.
What are you going to do for your inner child?
Alycia
