Written by Alycia Dort
I wish for you to read this, as it's hard for me to explain; I hope you'll try to understand. I know it can be hard to see the world through my eyes, or for you to put yourself in my shoes. Just know that I brought this article to you because I care about you- Because I trust you enough to let you into my world.
The first thing I want you to know is that anxiety is different from feeling nervous. Anxiety isn't always logical, but that doesn't give me any more control over it. There are times it comes out of nowhere. It is difficult for me to always know what's triggered it because, frankly, sometimes there isn't a trigger. If I go out of my way to avoid a known trigger, please understand this does not make me weak. I am doing what is in my best interest; I am doing what I can. I understand that it can be frustrating. Heck, it's incredibly frustrating for me! But I'm learning to be patient with myself and my recovery, and I hope you can do the same.
It's sometimes hard for me to be in social situations and events. I'm not trying to be anti-social or rude. I keep to myself when my anxiety spikes because it better allows me to focus on my breathing, as well as reminding myself that I am safe. I understand that it can come off incorrectly, and I can only hope you'll come to understand. When people engage me in conversation when I'm anxious, what I see is danger, and I feel unsafe. If you are with me when this happens, holding my hand, letting me know you are here, and reassuring me can be helpful. A spike in anxiety doesn't always mean I want to leave, but I may become more introverted in the face of a high anxiety baseline.
At times it is just a matter of sensory overload. My anxiety can come out of nowhere, but it can also be aggravated by too much stimuli. When there is a lot going on, it makes it more difficult for me to focus on realistic, safe thoughts and helpful breathing. Often, the chaos of too much sensory input puts me in a position where I am likely to have an anxiety attack. There may come a time where I do have to leave, or that I may need you to guide me to somewhere more safe. It's not always easy for me to find an exit or excuse myself; There are times where my anxiety paralyzes me, and I feel trapped.
Sometimes my anxiety gets to a point where it is all-consuming, and I feel both paralyzed and debilitated. There are times where I cannot bring myself to attend events, parties, or get-togethers. It hurts me, and makes me feel unworthy of being invited, but please understand that I *want* to be able to do these things, more than anything!
It's hard for me to tell you I'm not able to attend because I often feel ashamed that my anxiety has such a strong hold on my life, and I am scared you won't understand. I'm scared you will be angry with me. Know that I am harder on myself than anyone, and that I'm far more upset with myself than you are, even though I shouldn't be.
Please know that I am actively trying my best to better manage my anxiety, and that celebrating my little successes means the world to me. If I am able to go out for coffee and say hi to a stranger, that is a big deal! I may not always be able to participate in the activities that you want me to, but I am trying my best. Each and every day is a fight for me, and having you by my side to help me through means more than you'll ever know. Anxiety isn't something I'm able to get over, but it is something I'm actively working on managing in my day-to-day life. Sometimes this means compromising.
But ultimately, what I want you to know is that I appreciate you. Thank you for helping me through these difficult times, and thank you for trying to understand.
If you would like to learn more about Anxiety and Anxiety Disorders, you can find more posts about Anxiety below!
Managing Baseline Anxiety
Identifying and Managing Triggers
