Photo by: Adam O'Brien
MUA: Kelsie Clark
Hair: Julia Bayuk: Everhair
No models were retouched in the making of this project.
Curvy - Bubbly - Compassionate
Let me begin by saying that this is one of the most terrifying posts I've ever published- I won't lie. Not because I feel I have something to be ashamed of, but because a part of me knows that a small percentage of people who click on this post will.
They will find this page, skim maybe one or two lines of my story, potentially make a judgement about me or my lifestyle based on the photos I'm courageously sharing with you, and click away-
Which is Okay. This post isn't for them anyway; It's for you:
The beautiful human being who felt compelled to read my story. Who somehow identifies with this movement or these photos and, hopefully, the story that accompanies them.
The beautiful human being who felt compelled to read my story. Who somehow identifies with this movement or these photos and, hopefully, the story that accompanies them.
You are the reason that I partook in this movement. Heck, you're the reason we organized this event in the first place!
I'll start by introducing myself, for those who don't know me: I'm Alycia. I'm a nearly-24 year old living in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I'm a bubbly, sensitive and compassionate young woman who tries to see beauty in all corners of the world.
I live with a whole separate story surrounding mental illness, but today I want to talk about my journey with Body Dysmorphia, and learning to have compassion and love for my body.
Photo by: Adam O'Brien
MUA: Kelsie Clark
Hair: Julia Bayuk: Everhair
No models were retouched in the making of this project.
I grew up as a curvy girl, and remember very distinctly being bullied for my size and shape.
Not only by classmates, but also from members of my family.
I was taught at a very young age to fear food, and I was shamed when I wanted, or ate anything more than what was deemed "appropriate". I was told time and time again, beginning at the tender age of 10, that I "needed to lose weight".
And so, naturally, I carried these beliefs and fears with me throughout my life.
Food was bad, and I had to feel ashamed if I wanted to feed my body.
Throw into the mix a level of loneliness, rejection and no sense of belonging and you've got yourself a recipe for self-destruction. Which is exactly what became of me.
I hated my body. I wanted so badly to be that "perfect" size 0 or 2 or 4- Because that's what I was taught to vie for.
I would sit in my room and beg the world- beg whatever God there may be- to change my body. That I would do anything, because then, I would be worthy of love. I would belong. People would love me, include me, and tell me I was beautiful.
Now, I am in no way saying that this is a "Women's Only" issue by any means; But women have been taught for centuries that a thin, flat waistline was the only form of true beauty. So, if your body's default didn't match this ideal, you were made to feel as though you had to change it. Eat more salad, eat less, exercise more, lose weight, start a diet... This belief system was ingrained into the way I thought and felt about myself.
I was taught that my body was an object to change, to covet, to objectify, to have, to win... And when I was 18, someone decided that my body was theirs to have.
I now, more than ever, hated my body. I hated what it looked like, I hated what it felt like, and I hated that it didn't seem to belong to me. It belonged to a society that made decisions for me. A society that got to decide whether or not I was beautiful. Whether or not I was "healthy" or "worthy". A society that taught me that my body was not my own.
Even today, I feel ashamed and embarrassed to eat in front of people, for fear of being judged. You're too fat to eat. You shouldn't eat that. I rip myself apart in the same manner as I saw those I loved do to their loved ones...
Romantic partners of mine expressed disappointment that I wasn't thin enough, or that I didn't have the coveted thigh gap... I felt ashamed of who I was. And I have to wonder, where the hell did all of this body shaming come from?
I eventually found myself working with a personal trainer, Josh Armstrong, who worked with me to help me achieve a healthier lifestyle. He taught me about the fundamentals of foods and the basics of exercise. I was empowered with knowledge that completely debunked everything I thought I knew about weight and health. For many months, I practiced healthy lifestyle changes that resulted in me losing inches and building muscle, and I value this part of my journey very much.
When I began losing weight, however, the praise I received for doing so was overwhelming. I suddenly felt less hated, more loved, and I wanted more. The reactions I received taught me that by losing more weight, I became more lovable. I was not praised for how much healthier I was. I was praised for how much smaller I was. And that, my dear friends, is the issue.
It became an obsession for me. How much closer to that societal ideal could I get?
For years I began counting calories, tracking my body-fat percentage, checking my weight on a daily basis... I was addicted.
There came a point where Friends expressed their disdain with the fact that I'd lost too much weight and was far too obsessed with my body fat percentage, but I couldn't stop. I felt like loving my body was right around the corner. It was always "right around the corner". At my smallest, I hated my body the same as if I'd never changed at all. It was never good enough; There was always something else that needed to change.
Not only by classmates, but also from members of my family.
I was taught at a very young age to fear food, and I was shamed when I wanted, or ate anything more than what was deemed "appropriate". I was told time and time again, beginning at the tender age of 10, that I "needed to lose weight".
And so, naturally, I carried these beliefs and fears with me throughout my life.
Food was bad, and I had to feel ashamed if I wanted to feed my body.
Throw into the mix a level of loneliness, rejection and no sense of belonging and you've got yourself a recipe for self-destruction. Which is exactly what became of me.
I hated my body. I wanted so badly to be that "perfect" size 0 or 2 or 4- Because that's what I was taught to vie for.
I would sit in my room and beg the world- beg whatever God there may be- to change my body. That I would do anything, because then, I would be worthy of love. I would belong. People would love me, include me, and tell me I was beautiful.
Now, I am in no way saying that this is a "Women's Only" issue by any means; But women have been taught for centuries that a thin, flat waistline was the only form of true beauty. So, if your body's default didn't match this ideal, you were made to feel as though you had to change it. Eat more salad, eat less, exercise more, lose weight, start a diet... This belief system was ingrained into the way I thought and felt about myself.
I was taught that my body was an object to change, to covet, to objectify, to have, to win... And when I was 18, someone decided that my body was theirs to have.
I now, more than ever, hated my body. I hated what it looked like, I hated what it felt like, and I hated that it didn't seem to belong to me. It belonged to a society that made decisions for me. A society that got to decide whether or not I was beautiful. Whether or not I was "healthy" or "worthy". A society that taught me that my body was not my own.
Even today, I feel ashamed and embarrassed to eat in front of people, for fear of being judged. You're too fat to eat. You shouldn't eat that. I rip myself apart in the same manner as I saw those I loved do to their loved ones...
Romantic partners of mine expressed disappointment that I wasn't thin enough, or that I didn't have the coveted thigh gap... I felt ashamed of who I was. And I have to wonder, where the hell did all of this body shaming come from?
2014
I eventually found myself working with a personal trainer, Josh Armstrong, who worked with me to help me achieve a healthier lifestyle. He taught me about the fundamentals of foods and the basics of exercise. I was empowered with knowledge that completely debunked everything I thought I knew about weight and health. For many months, I practiced healthy lifestyle changes that resulted in me losing inches and building muscle, and I value this part of my journey very much.
When I began losing weight, however, the praise I received for doing so was overwhelming. I suddenly felt less hated, more loved, and I wanted more. The reactions I received taught me that by losing more weight, I became more lovable. I was not praised for how much healthier I was. I was praised for how much smaller I was. And that, my dear friends, is the issue.
It became an obsession for me. How much closer to that societal ideal could I get?
For years I began counting calories, tracking my body-fat percentage, checking my weight on a daily basis... I was addicted.
2015
There came a point where Friends expressed their disdain with the fact that I'd lost too much weight and was far too obsessed with my body fat percentage, but I couldn't stop. I felt like loving my body was right around the corner. It was always "right around the corner". At my smallest, I hated my body the same as if I'd never changed at all. It was never good enough; There was always something else that needed to change.
Photo by: Adam O'Brien
MUA: Kelsie Clark
Hair: Julia Bayuk: Everyhair
No models were retouched in the making of this project.
Today, as I stand before you, I'm a larger picture of what I was at my smallest, after a battle with my Mental Health. The inability to get out of bed, let alone exercise, resulted in decreased energy levels... And I found myself even further from meeting that societal standard of beauty.
Ultimately, I wouldn't change it for the world.
Do I love the way my body looks? I won't lie- I'm not quite there yet. There are things I still wish to improve, such as my strength and physical resilience. But I've developed a sense of compassion for my body regardless of shape or size or weight. A new-found acceptance for who I am today. And that is the most amazing part of this experience. I no longer hate myself, and that's a HUGE step in the right direction.
Ultimately, I wouldn't change it for the world.
Do I love the way my body looks? I won't lie- I'm not quite there yet. There are things I still wish to improve, such as my strength and physical resilience. But I've developed a sense of compassion for my body regardless of shape or size or weight. A new-found acceptance for who I am today. And that is the most amazing part of this experience. I no longer hate myself, and that's a HUGE step in the right direction.
To those of you who continue to shame others for their bodies, here is what I have to say to you:
You need to seriously reevaluate your own perceptions of beauty, because they stem from deep within yourself.
(Okay, there's a few other things I'd love to say, but there's a time and a place...)
There is NO wrong way to have a body.
Your size, your weight, your skin color, your scars, your proportions, your "flaws"... They're all beautiful, and they do not define you or your worth.
Photo by: Adam O'Brien
MUA: Kelsie Clark
Hair: Julia Bayuk: Everhair
No models were retouched in the making of this project.
Leave a little kindness wherever you go,
Alycia
alycia@findyourlight.ca
#FYLBodyPositive
#AlyciaFYL
Alycia
alycia@findyourlight.ca
#FYLBodyPositive
#AlyciaFYL
