What You Owe to Yourself
Written by Alycia Dort
One of the false beliefs I have the most difficulty challenging is the belief that I am not worthy. I am the first to admit that I self-blame a *lot*; I apologize for things that are out of my control, I apologize for things that are innocent and human, and I apologize for things that don't warrant an apology. I am in constant fear of being reprimanded for things I've not done- for imagined mistakes or transgression... And it occurs to me that however the unworthiness presents itself, the majority of people suffering from poor mental health also tend to have a poor sense of self-worth.
And so over the last week, I have felt it important to remind myself- and now you- that you have a set of rights, and that you are ABSOLUTELY worthy of every single one of them.
#1. You have the right to have an actively involved medical team.
You have the right to have the members of your medical team actively invested in your recovery. You have the right to be heard, acknowledged and guided to the right paths regarding your recovery. That isn't to say that you are not ultimately responsible for participating and following through on your recovery plan, because you are. But if you are not getting what you need from your health care team, you have every right to seek help elsewhere and, in fact, I *insist* that you do.
#2. You have the right to say no to things that hurt you or put your health at risk.
Only *you* know exactly how you feel, and if you do not feel safe, or should you feel at risk, it is perfectly acceptable to say "No". Whether someone has asked a favor of you, there's too much on your plate, or you feel bullied into participating in something that is making you sick- Whatever the situation, you have the right to say no, and to be an advocate for your mental health.
#3. You have the right to feel how you do.
Whether you feel happy, sad, jealous, angry, annoyed, fearful, etc... You are allowed to have feelings, and you have the right to feel them. It is important to note, however, that feelings are not labels, and that they do not define you. If you feel like a loser, make a habit of making the distinction that feeling like a loser does not *make* you a loser. This is not an easy thing to do, and I'm certainly guilty of doing it, but learning to catch yourself is the first step in making the distinction between the two so that, later, it becomes more natural.
#4. You have the right to make mistakes.
As an avid self-blamer, I tend to take responsibility for every bad situation or outcome, whether or not it is realistic; A friend's bad mood, someone's annoyance, someone feeling sad... But the truth of the matter is that even the people you most admire make mistakes, and you are allowed to as well. Don't get caught in the impossible expectation of doing everything perfectly. You are only human. Accepting your mistakes and forgiving yourself will strengthen your self-compassion, which is vital. On the other hand, learning to recognize when you've actually done something wrong is a handy skill that I have only begun to address myself.
#5. You have the right to experience failure.
Remember those impossibly high expectations you set of yourself? Think of it like this: There is only so much of you. You are one person, and you cannot possibly excel in everything you try. If we were meant to be great at everything, we would not have a sense of identity, and we would all be bored to death of each other. Our brains all work differently- We've all formed different neural connections than others, have had different life experiences, have been exposed to different environments... Experiencing failure allows you to grow as a human being. Remember that everyone experiences failure, and use it again to practice self love and compassion. Your inner child will thank you.
#6. You have the right to feel perfectly fine with someone disliking you.
If you are anything like me, then when you suspect, or even possibly discover, that someone dislikes you, it eats at you. You begin obsessing over why it is they dislike you; Was it something I said? Something I did? Was there a misunderstanding? And then you do one of two things: 1. You actively do everything in your power to avoid them so that you can avoid conflict or confrontation with them, or 2. You try and "fix" the situation. It is difficult when you know or feel you are disliked by someone, but not one person in this world is liked by everyone. If you spend all of your time trying to play chameleon to avoid being disliked, you will lose your sense of self. And this is what we are trying most to avoid.
#7. You have the right to do what makes YOU happy.
Never mind what your friends, parents or society think you should do. They have good intentions, I'm certain, but this is your life and ultimately, living to please others will leave you resentful and will more negatively affect your mental health. It only matters what is important to you. Your mother may want you to become a doctor, but she isn't the one spending over ten years in school to obtain the medical diploma. And this works in all areas of life. I've spent a great deal of time worrying about how my decisions may affect others; How they may see me, how it may displease them. But at the end of the day, if you are not doing what is best for you, then you are not putting yourself in a position to recover and maintain a healthy state of mind and body.
And so I invite you to return here, anytime you may begin doubting yourself, read over your rights, and know that I am advocating for you as well.
(I, myself, will have to return here on occasion!)
Alycia
