Thus, I want to share with you what has helped me most throughout my journey(s) thus far: Although everyone is different, my hope is that this article will help set a path for you to feel more at ease, more confident, or simply more aware of the things you can do to try and help someone with a mental illness.
Ask Questions
One of the most common grievances felt by those with a mental illness is that they feel misunderstood or, conversely, that nobody listens. And it appears to be a double edged sword because it is often difficult for us to explain or convey what could be years of pain and emotion that sometimes feels too overwhelming for words.
By far, what has helped me the most has been the willingness of a few particular people in my life to ask questions in order to try and understand.
One of my two greatest friends, Sammy, is a fantastic example of this. Although she had openly admitted that she did not fully understand all of the "Ins and Outs" of my diagnoses, she was open and eager to learn and educate herself. Except that- And this is particularly important- she did so by asking me questions directly. She acknowledged that although a book can explain many aspects of a mental illness, it cannot possibly speak on my behalf, or explain exactly what I am feeling or thinking. No book could even begin to really explain anyone's experience with a diagnosis (unless it's written by the sufferer themselves).
And so, when appropriate, she asked me questions like how it feels, how often I feel this way, what I was most concerned about... Not only did it help her to understand better, but it also created a very strong bond between us in which I knew she was really here, that she was committed, and that she heard what I had to say.
You may find as well that asking your loved one questions is of far greater value to you in truly understanding how best to help support them.
Remind them of your Love & Support
Poor mental health is associated with low self-esteem and low self-worth, as we know,, but is also often accompanied by the belief that one is a burden. As a result, many are discouraged to reach out for help, and if they are anything like myself, they may have a slight-to-overwhelming fear of burdening others and possibly losing them.
Assuring one that you are here and that you love them unconditionally can be very powerful.
Now, I recognize that some believe "this should be obvious and I shouldn't have to say it that often", but please recognize that logic isn't always the most prevalent when talking about mental illnesses and the way they affect thoughts, feelings and beliefs. These thoughts, feelings and beliefs also have the capacity (and tendency) to invite a whole slew of other thinking distortions in with them. (I will soon cover a piece on Cognitive/Thinking Distortions, so if you are unfamiliar with these, keep an eye out!)
The other of my great friends, Jessy, is a bit of a pro at this. Whether it's that I have made a mistake, there's an uncomfortable situation or simply that I am not at my best, she is always reminding me that she loves me regardless, and that she is not going anywhere. And for me, this provides such an immense amount of relief that I am more easily able to return to a more functional state of mind.
Be Careful not to Undermine their Illness
It is perfectly okay to not quite understand a mental illness, and is actually very common, but the single-handed most destructive thing you can do to someone who is suffering from a mental illness is to undermine their suffering. I cannot begin to tell you the number of times I have been told "to get over it", "to suck it up" or simply that "other people have suffered more than you", and I am relatively certain you all must know that saying such things is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL. I can guarantee you that if someone suffering from a mental illness could someone limit, or completely get rid of, their suffering, they absolutely would, as it is not at all a pleasant feeling in any capacity. Using others' level of suffering to try and make someone feel better about their situation is not an effective tool. Please do not plant a person's suffering into categories of severity for the purpose of comparing. Utilizing your own experiences to empathize and connect with someone is very powerful in many cases, but be cautious in how you are addressing one's suffering.
Refrain From Setting your own Expectations of their 'Recovery'
This is absolutely what their medical team is meant to do- To set this expectation with them and their loved ones, and help guide them along the way. In my experience with others putting expectations on my recovery, I have been left A) Frustrated, B) Unrealistic about my own recovery, and C) Discouraged when I am unable to live up to these expectations.
Everyone will recovery at their own rate, in their own way, and there are many, many factors that play a role in this: Biology, Physiology, Experience, Environment... Allowing someone to recover at their own pace and accepting that it may not be as fast, or in the same manner as you would like, helps recovery to seem much more achievable.
Remember that, for many, this is an Ongoing, Lifelong Battle
Recovery does not necessarily mean "cure", but rather when we speak of recovery here at Find Your Light, we speak of "Remission". There will be good days, weeks or even months and years, but there may also be 'not-so-great' ones. These things often come in 'waves' as my therapist once told me: And learning to ride those waves is the ultimate goal of "Recovery". Please be patient with your loved ones. Learning to 'ride' along with them and help see them through will give them a better chance at coping during those tough times.
Alycia
Art therapy piece by Alycia Dort
