Today, I write about a topic that hits very close to home; and, in fact, today will mark three consecutive months of sobriety for me. In actuality, I write this post many days before it's due to be posted on Find Your Light, as I find myself struggling a great deal more than I'd hoped this past week.
If you'd have asked me many years ago, I'd have said that overcoming a substance addiction should be no more difficult than cutting bad foods out of your diet, though I now beg to differ. I've managed to overcome great feats in the past, which took a great amount of self control and perseverance- I lost 104 lbs in doing so. But the intense craving and desire for another serving of cheesy potatoes pails in comparison to a substance addiction.
During the most severe of my relapses, I began turning to alcohol to cope with the pain I felt. I'd been in the midst of a bad relapse, followed by a series of difficult life events and I felt as though I had nowhere to turn. I drank the moment I woke up, was usually intoxicated by noon, and drank well into the night.
As we know, however, alcohol is a depressant, and so when the pain eventually became even more unbearable, I began mixing alcohol with sedatives. I'd known alcohol could intensify the effects of a sedative, and so initially, my intention was simply to be more strongly sedated. Before I knew it, I was mixing large amounts of alcohol with 3, 4, 5, sometimes 6 times the recommended dosage of sedative at once, which allowed me to "check out" for full days at a time: The way I saw it, I was being given a break from the pain. A sense of peace.
But I couldn't stop.
There was a period of time in between a conscious mind and an unconscious body where I called loved ones, left them messages I'm sure were meant to be comforting, but were noticeably driven by an intoxication far bigger than I could handle. These were (and still are) the moments I do not remember.
My dangerous addiction became so strong that I was attending therapy sessions under the influence, and was spending a rather large amount of money on alcohol every month... And very few people actually knew.
It wasn't until after an overnight hospitalization in January that it became known just how severe my addiction had truly become. And every single day since then has been a battle to stay sober. In my mind, it's as though it is a choice between pain and numbness. And as opposed to a strong craving, my addiction (as many do) feels much more like the most fundamental and basic need, like food or water. Going without it feels more as though you are going against your most basic needs of survival. And it is everywhere.
So how do you stay sober in a society that prides itself on alcohol as social interaction? How do you stay sober when those around you want to socialize in an environment heavy on alcohol? These are questions I still struggle with three months into my sobriety.
In truth, driving past a liquor store, talking about wine or having friends drink in front of me spikes my 'need' into overdrive and consumes my mind.
What some may not know is that both substance abuse and addiction are physiological as well as mental. Your body actually believes that it requires this substance- Not just the mind. The brain undergoes significant physiological changes as your addiction continues. There are even correlations between genes and drug dependence. Science defines a substance addiction as "a chronic, relapsing brain disease" as it disrupts the normal, healthy functioning of the underlying organ.
The largest component to my sobriety has been the support I've received. My two greatest friends have celebrated each month that has passed, and one has committed herself to the journey with me. The acknowledgement of accomplishment in staying sober has helped me feel validated and supported throughout the process.
Celebrating your own success is very important as well. Every 30 days, I treat myself to something a little special; but I acknowledge and celebrate every single day of sobriety, because every one of those days are just as important as the last.
When your need becomes too strong, reach out; Acknowledge you're having difficulty, and that it IS difficult, and do something to keep your mind focused on something else; blogging, art therapy, coffee with a friend, taking a hot bath, watching a funny film...
And give yourself a hug from me to you- Because every single moment you remain sober, is a moment of courage, a moment of strength, and I am so, SO proud of you.
Alycia
Disclaimer: I do not in any way endorse the abuse of substances. This post is a first person account of my own experiences with addiction. If you are someone you know suffers from a substance addiction, please seek out help;
Services in Halifax, Nova Scotia:
AA: 1 (902) 461-1119 or Help.AAHalifax@gmail.com
Bayers Road Community Mental Health: 1 (902) 454-1400
Mobile Crisis: 1 (902) 429-8167
National Resources can be found at www.cmha.ca or www.aa.org
