-Alycia
Overcoming an Abusive Relationship
Written by Cyan Ross
June 7th 11:43am
I think there comes a time for all of us when we
realize we've hit rock bottom and deserve better; for me that time came when I
was sitting in an interview room at the police station.
I can't say I didn't do
anything to end up there, but I can say that the outcome should have been
different. My ex boyfriend and I had a toxic relationship and I almost let it
ruin my life.
When I first met him I thought that I had finally
found something good. He made me smile, laugh, and I both trusted and fall for him. I
had relationships before but no one made me comfortable like he did- I could be
my goofy self around him. After only one month he asked me to move in with him.
Even though I knew it was too quick, I agreed and moved most of my stuff over
to his apartment.
At first things were great. We spent our days
getting to know each others' friends and families, going on little adventures
and we even went to college together; we spent our nights cuddling and binge
watching netflix until we fell asleep. I had nothing to complain about... Until I
found out what he was really like.
The night of the Superbowl we went out to watch
the game and have wings. I had six wings and a glass of root beer, he had six
wings and eight beers. We went back to the apartment after the game and it was the
first time that we had a real fight. For four hours I listened to him tell me
why I wasn't good enough and how he knew I would end up being a lying cheater.
I went to bed on the couch that night, confused and hurt by all the things he
said but tried to convince myself that he drank too much and didn't really mean
it. The next day he claimed to not remember anything so I decided to let it go.
A few days after that happened, he went to the
store to get bread and came back smelling like beer; when I asked him why he
smelt like booze he told me that I was "being crazy". Again, I let it
go. That same night he asked me to go to the bar with him. I told him that I
didn't feel well and asked him to stay home and watch a movie with me. He
refused, went to the bar alone and came stumbling in the door at 3am. Once
again I listened to him accuse me of lying, cheating and using him. We argued
for an hour before I gave up and decided to sleep on the couch again.
The next morning I woke up and called a friend- I
needed some girl time. When I got back to the apartment that night I was
immediately accused of cheating. By this point I was fed up so I called my
friend, put her on speaker and got her to confirm that I spent the whole day
with her. He still didn't believe me.
For the next month his drinking continued. He
spent almost every night at the bar and when he wasn't at the bar he was paying
cabs to buy and deliver alcohol to his apartment. I did everything I could
think of to help him, I stopped giving him money and looked up AA meetings for
him, nothing worked. He eventually started doing hard drugs behind my back; I
found out because his dealer came to me asking when I'd have his money.
While all this drug and alcohol abuse was
happening, he still managed to find time to cheat. I found out through mutual
friends that he had seen his ex-girlfriend three times since we started dating. When I
confronted him about it, he blamed me. He told me that if I would've been
"more loving" and "payed more attention" to him he wouldn't
have cheated. I was heart broken. I reminded him of everything that I went
through with him and for him, he didn't care.
I spent that night at my grandparent's house and
went to school the next day. When school finished I walked to the apartment. As soon as I walked in I was accused of cheating... Again. I was so tired of
fighting with him. I had put up with so much in the last couple months that I
couldn't handle hearing the harsh words out of his mouth anymore. I told him
that I had enough and he told me to "go ruin someone else's life".
After everything I went through with him, how could he say that? His comment
really got to me and so did my emotions- I ended up slapping him. He went into
the bedroom, grabbed a glass and threw it in my direction and left to go to the
bar. I was shocked, I couldn't believe I let it get that far.
I packed all my stuff and tried calling a friend.
A few minutes later I heard a loud banging at the door so I walked through the
shattered glass to open it. I was greeted by 3 police who told me they had a
call about people fighting. I let them in and as I did my ex came through the
back door. He told them that I assaulted him and that he wanted me off his
property. They escorted me to the police station where I admitted that I slapped
him which could have gotten me charged with assault. When all of the
information had been gathered from both sides they had decided to not place any
charges because of the events that lead up to the incident. I got lucky in two
ways: I didn't get in trouble with the law, and I got out of a toxic
relationship before things got a lot worse.
Although it was hard being with him, it was also
hard being without him at first. I had days where I didn't feel like getting
out of bed, I had moments where I couldn't breathe because I was crying so
hard, I hated myself for letting it happen, and I only had two friends who knew
about the situation. I felt ashamed even though I had no reason to. I didn't
want to tell my family because I didn't want them to look at me any
differently. I kept to myself for the first month after it happened. After a
while of being withdrawn I told myself that I spent enough time being miserable
and it was time for something to change. I told my grandparents what happened
and looked to them for guidance but didn't rely on them for happiness; I wanted
to find happiness in myself and on my own. Because I was with someone who made
me feel ugly for so long, I looked for beauty in everything around me: the
colour of the flowers, the shape of the trees, the sound of the wind and birds-
anything and everything. I started eating better and taking better care of my
body. I started spending more time with old friends and found time to make some
new ones too. I stopped worrying about the things that happened yesterday and
the things that might happen tomorrow. The only thing I worried about was what
I needed to do to be happy.
Nobody deserves to be abused in any way:
mentally, physically, sexually. Nobody deserves to hear harsh words of any
kind. The world needs more kindness and happiness. If you are in an abusive
relationship, find the strength to see your worth. You were happy before you
met them and you can be happy afterwards. Even happier. Ask yourself, would you
tolerate your son or daughter being treated the way you let yourself be
treated? If not, something needs to change.
"It is only possible to live
happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis" -Margaret Bonnano
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help, please seek out support. You can refer to our Resources page for local support numbers in your area. If the matter is urgent, we urge you to call *911.
